Dear Mike, it's me, your bilge

Dear Mike,

It's me, your bilge. I don't know what you've been doing, but you've been neglecting me. I'm not even sure you knew this, but there has been pounds of mud, sludge, screws, nuts, bolts and other nastiness I really can't identify in the bilge.

It's no wonder you're slow and can't beat Dave Wilson on a regular basis. Please clean me out and use a pressure washer and some bleach. It's really gross down here.

Oh that's good... Eat a little bilge sludge and kill yourself and then I'll never have a good owner... Or wait, go ahead, eat it. Anybody must be better at taking care of me.

No mike, that's not a keelbolt nut. You would have noticed when the boat would have capsized if the keel had come off. And what's with all the "weddings" you've been saying you've been at? Is this code for something naughty? Well, I hope this post finds you well mike, you've been missed this season, thanks for reading this... I'll be in the slip when you need me and please, varnish the rails? They look like hell and have been complaining regularly to me. I told them to write you, but they are afraid you'll get mad.

Sincerly,

Your dirty bilge